Episode 7: The Dangers of "If Only" Thinking

Has your "if only" desire become an idol in your life? Do you struggle with the lie of the "should?" In this episode I will discuss the dangers of the kind of thinking that says, "If only I had that thing, then I'd be happy." Unfortunately, it doesn't take much to get stuck in this mindset, but friend, let me help point you in a different direction.  Together we can work through this bump in the road of ugly thinking and find a place of fulfillment.

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Transcript

(Intro)
Hello friends, I’m so happy you’re joining me here on Taming the Lyin’ podcast. Its been a bit crazy lately with kids’ schools ending for the summer and we just had my dads celebration of life which was so wonderful to have the support and see so many people that played a special role in my dad’s life… and now I’m back home ready to share with you something that’s been on my mind lately. In this episode, number 7, I’m talking about the lie that has us desiring an outcome so much that if we’re not careful, we elevate “the gift” or desire… instead of the gift-giver…

(Music)

Have you ever been affected by “if only”thinking? The kind of thinking that says, if only I had that thing, then I’d be happy.

What about the lie of the “should”? You know.. the I should have this by now or I should be in a different place by now…

They go hand in hand and they’re both dangerous because they hinge on expectations and dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to get stuck in this mindset. It affects us… at so many stages of life.

It seems that when someone is faced with this deceptive thinking…, the thought that they need something they don’t have to bring happiness…., it can easily become an idol. If we were to look to the *growth process* as a way of bringing about happiness and change, that mindset is a much healthier approach… but it can be easier said than done, especially when there are so many “if only” lies in our culture tripping us up.

Have you ever heard… or thought… any of these?

If only I had a spouse

If only my spouse helped more

I had children

I had a better job

Or more money

I had more time or energy

My children appreciated me

My kids were easier to manage

My kids were older

My kids were young again

He or she loved me

There’s a difference between expecting an outcome to create fulfillment and instead, using your current circumstance to create that outcome or propel you into a more fulfilling scenario. Hanging your hopes and dreams on being in a different place, outside of reality leads to disappointment and bitterness inside your reality.

The “should have’s” and the “if onlys” keep us stuck because it means we’re unsatisfied and puts a negative spin on our current circumstance.

But here’s the honest truth. Only with deep self reflection and a heart stayed on God do we have the right components to get us over this hump of ugly thinking.

The “if only,” or “I should be at point B by now,” is like calling the score at a sports game before the game starts, when you have yet to meet the opposing team and there’s a chance the game is going to be rained out. If we’re honest with ourselves, we don’t know what a particular outcome will bring. We might “hope” it brings something better, but it’s not a guarantee. What is guaranteed, can be found in God’s Word.

Hebrews 13:5 & 6

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear What man shall do unto me.

Therefore…

Instead of the negative spin on things, we should strive to look at it in a different light. Only when we accept, and see our present situation as a catalyst for change, will we be motived to do something about it…and not begrudgingly. But it takes looking in to the situation with curiosity… not wishing it away. There’s joy that comes from walking with the Lord through difficulty.

An “if only” mindset is a selective mindset built by our perception of excellence. This is where our mind creates fantasy as a result of being barraged with so many one-sided victories, usually of others’ successes. It brings jealousy, comparison-thinking, pride and even self-loathing. All things that the Lord does not participate in. It’s contrary to his nature.

Wishful thinking paired with the behaviors I just mentioned, will always be a mind game only and it handicaps action because it assigns blame to the undesirable circumstance and the person (or people involved). .. that can be yourself in the form of self-sabotage… or someone else in the form of resentment. This illusion plants seeds and what often grows are unreasonable expectations, unhealthy longing and covetousness. So essentially, you become the victim of your circumstance, not the vessel that moves to create God-honoring fulfillment.

Life is so hard and full of disappointments. And there are some situations that truly seem impossible to get on top of or recover from. Our minds are powerful tools and Satan is always working to make us despair. So not only do our own minds work against us, Satan does what he does best- make us feel incapable, stupid, undeserving…you name it. All of which bring about bitterness. And who wants that?

We read in Matthew 6:33 that we are to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and other things will be added.

We live in a world where so much focus is on our own success, making our own way and there are so many underlying and unspoken standards we set for ourselves. Social media certainly doesn’t help with this, but God tells us if we TRUST In the Lord with ALL of our heart and lean not into our own understanding, if we acknowledge him in ALL of our ways, he will direct our paths.

Is His promise enough for us?

How seamlessly do we allow satan’s lies in and push away the thoughts of the Lord because we’re so busy and distracted or maybe we just want to sulk a little.

How often do we ruminate on what we *dont* have, instead of giving tribute for all the things we do have from God’s outstretched hand? How often do we dismiss the promises that are scattered all throughout the pages of the Bible?

Friend, his promises and assurance are for you !!

Here are some of those promises:

Matt 11:28

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Philippians 1:6

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:”

And how about one more:

Philippians 4:19

But my God shall supply ALL your need according to HIS riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

There is a common theme that if we seek God with our whole heart and mind, He will make himself known to us and not only that, but he will play a very active role in our lives.. but He is most pleased when we do the seeking, and the asking… and the trusting.

He already supplies all our needs, but if we want him to supply for our wants too, it requires more from us than wishful thinking. And when we pray for this want that we have, we should always seek God’s involvement, which should be no problem if what we’re asking for glorifies God more than ourselves.

James 4:3-5 says
Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts. When we ask for something, are we asking for God’s glory or our own? Are we asking with an attitude of surrender, or an attitude of entitlement and gain for us?

The scriptures also point out that Sometimes we take matters into our own hands and don’t bother asking at all.

But God’s word is very clear that when our relationship with Him comes first and reigns supreme in our lives, he is pleased to give us the desires of our hearts. The question is, who do we serve? God or self?

How often do we allow our desires to lead our thinking? To become idols and take the place of God in our hearts?

Friends, this will only lead to deep resentment.

Has your “if only” desire become an idol in your life?

When God is elevated above all idols and fears, life is so much more fulfilling. It’s like the prayer says “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…, that means I shall not want for want for anything else- I have all that I need to live a fulfilling and joyful life in service to Him.

My prayer for you and all of us is that we would stop being fearful for our unforeseen future and trust God with it. That we would give Him the highest place in our worship that he is so deserving of, and that we will meditate on his promises day and night. If we stand on the promises of God, and look nowhere else, we will have so much more security and fulfillment in this life.

(Prayer)

Heavenly Father, I pray that you would drive out the fear, discontentment and disappointment that gets in our way and clouds our thinking. That you would fill our emptiness with fulfillment in You. May each person listening receive a special blessing of knowing you more deeply and loving you more fully. We pray that we would always look to you for our expectations and not place them in ourselves or other people. Lord, please awaken us to your love and guide us to a place of rest in You. And when our hearts begin to wander, please bind our wandering hearts to you.

I pray this in Jesus’ name, amen.